Not Perfect
by idioticonion
Summary: What if Robin has been hooking up with Barney throughout the whole of Season 6? Features M/F sexual content. Will be in six parts, with a short ficlet for every episode in Season 6.
1. Chapter 1

**1. Sundress** (Big Days)

Robin traces the tips of her fingers across his back, from his broad, well-muscled shoulders to his tiny waist, right the way down to the taught, rounded buttocks. She feels him move inside her, the weight of his hips pinning her to the bed, and she moans aloud. She's missed this.

Maybe she should blame the sundress? But hey, it did get her that relapse sex after all. It just wasn't with Ted.

And Barney knows her body so well, far better than either Ted or Don ever would. He instinctively knows when she's on that climb, when all she wants to do is burst with it. He also knows when to hold back, when to tease her, when to murmur dirty words into her ear and mouth her nipples and leave her writhing and shaking beneath him.

Not having to think, not having to feel, just having to _be_ – his hands lifting her ass, his lips pressed against her collarbone – this is bliss for her. She's wallowed in self-pity long enough.

"Thank you," she says, maybe. Maybe not out loud.

He goes to pull away but she captures him, smacking that perfect bum, and yanks him into her again. "Want you. Now," she growls.

For an instant he looks up at her and she sees his face in shadow, blue eyes almost luminescent in the darkness. There's a ghost of a smile on his lips as he murmurs, "So demanding," and thrusts forward, hard, both surprising and delighting her.

It's then she lets her head drop back as the pulse grows inside her, consumes her and rips everything else away – all the darkness, all the sorrow, all the frustration. It's happening to him to, she knows, as they fall into ecstasy together, perfectly synchronised.

**2. Hiding from the past** (Cleaning House)

It's easier this time. Barney doesn't freak out on her, doesn't go all weird and awkward. He's got other stuff on his mind, after all. Determined that this slip not become a "thing" that gets them into trouble with her friends, Robin continues to date other guys.

She doesn't need to ask Barney if he is too - dating other women, that is, for his definition of "dating". But his head just so not in the game and his strike-out rate is noticable. Robin understands that all too well. There's nothing like Daddy issues to knock the Yips right back into you.

Robin sees it as her duty to do something about that. After all, Barney did get her out of her cheetos phase.

Although having sex up against one of his motivational posters in his office wasn't how she'd planned it. For starters, the glass feels cold and fragile against her back and rump and she's a little conscious that they might crack it, no matter how inventive Barney is, nor how much stamina he has to hold her in place.

And actually, okay, the danger's kind of a turn-on, and when he grins at her it's like he knows what she's thinking.

Being able to see him clearly this time is also kind of a turn-on. They don't kiss – kissing leads to feelings and weirdness – but his grin pulls her own lips into a smile and she wonders what it would feel like to have his tongue in her mouth for a change.

But then he does that thing where he drops her a couple of inches, right down onto him, and he rams up hard against that sweet spot inside her, making her yelp loud enough to be heard right down to the elevator.

"Shh!" he hisses, and she laughs.

"You did that on- oh!- purpose!" She gasps.

"You know it…" He nods, but his words fade out as he speeds his thrusts.

**3. Letting go** (Unfinished)

The hurt Don caused, the sheer pain of it, it sneaks up on her. Just when Robin's sure that she's over him, something will happen that spins her right back down to the bottom of the pit. It's not like with Ted, not like with Barney. This time it feels like it'll never be over.

And it's not like she even wants Don back. She just wants to keep screaming in his face… or over his answering machine. The anger boils over inside her.

Barney looks up at her with something like respect in his expression. She's secured his wrists tightly to the headboard, using a couple of his silk ties, because she loves the way the muscles in his arms strain against the restraints.

This is the last time, she tells herself. They've done this three times now (well, not the bondage, just the sex) and it's becoming a pattern. But she needs to get laid so badly, and nobody in the bar seemed good enough – or it was too complicated, or she couldn't be bothered. Whatever answer makes her feel a little better about herself. But it would be a mistake to believe that Barney an easy option. Just look at how he wore Ted down recently, getting him to work for GNB again? Robin doesn't want to be on the end of that kind of tenacious obsession, she really doesn't.

Then again, at the same time she's got some serious aggression stored up and Barney seems more than willing to let her to take it out on him. Her fingers press into him, leave rose-petal marks over his skin that might be bruises by morning, and she rides him way too hard, like she can get back at Don somehow, through him.

Eventually Barney protests a little and he squeals like a girl when she pinches him. That's what finally gets her off and for a moment she thinks she'll leave him hanging but then he jerks inside her and it sends a second wave of blossoming warmth through her core.

When she finally floats back down to earth and opens her eyes, Robin sees him looking up at her, wide-eyed and sorrowful. Her stomach lurches in confusion at his reaction.

But then he grins, and she wonders if she's imagined that look, and she laughs along with him in a kind of joyful relief. Barney doesn't ask her if this was about Don. He would never do that. And she wonders how he always judges her so well in the bedroom when, out of it, he could never read her at all.

**4. A win**. (Subway wars)

This is why three times was a mistake. Robin knows that she's translated sex with Barney into a more intimate attachment and gets all twisted up inside when he fails to listen to her problems.

She gets twisted up and way more angry than she has the right to be. She's pissed at him, even after she's won the race across the city to Gregor's. What ever happened to Bros before ho's? What happened to him being her friend, even?

Well, she's done with that. Max is nice, charming, good looking, kind, sweet, successful, considerate and _normal_. Max isn't a dark path to something even more painful than she's got now.

And most importantly, Max seems happy to bitch with her about Becky. Stupid, empty-headed, way-too-pert, fame-hog Becky. Max is just delightful in the way he tears into Becky, the way he's totally on her side.

That's what Robin needs – somebody who's totally on her side, who'd make sure that she gets the win when she needs it. That, and sex, which she's pretty sure Max is going to be awesome at too.

She's more relieved than she'll ever tell when Ted and Barney leave the bar and she can suggest going back to Max's place.


	2. Chapter 2

**5. New isn't always better **(Architect of destruction)

Of course she's going to compare them - the guys she's slept with.

The most charitable way to describe Max, as a lover, is that he's pedestrian. He's _safe_. And maybe that's what Robin needs right now. So, okay, maybe she's tried to spice things up a little in the bedroom, but he was even less into it that Ted was. Say what you like about Barney, but at least he was willing to experiment.

So it's not just that Max isn't well endowed. If she's completely honest, she doesn't get that tingle when he touches her. And at any other time in her life she'd probably have dumped him but right now she's still hurting, still burned from Don, and she needs this. It's not exactly flattering but it's true.

A relationship is what she needs - something new, something easy. Being with Max makes things easy. It takes the pressure off her somehow, lets her laugh more freely, take things a little less seriously. She knows it's not going to last, but he's the perfect guy to be with while she's still healing.

For a while, it works. Until Marshall makes him paranoid and the jerk breaks up with her.

**6. Feeling Needed **(Baby Talk)

The question's on the tip of her tongue but she just can't say it. Barney makes her feel empowered, feel strong in a way she hasn't in months and yet she _still_ can't ask him.

They sit side by side on his couch and he's still wearing that ridiculous blue silk robe that she remembers so well. He's got a thing for silk.

And she can't ask him the question she wants to ask him.

In a way, it's a relief to know that they definitely won't have sex. He's just been nailing that creepy Mommy's Boy chick after all. Just the thought of it… ew, gross.

So instead, they talk. And he's sweet and funny and a little bit more serious than usually because he doesn't have to play to the crowd for her like he does with the others. In the end, Robin doesn't really care if she made Barney feel needed, because right now, he's here for her. If she didn't know any better, she'd think that he learned something when she rounded on him after the whole Subway Wars incident.

But no, he seems genuine enough and grateful that she got rid of his latest crazy bimbo for him. And the question bubbles up inside her again. She wants to ask him, she really does. She wants to ask him if he still thinks about her, if he even regrets their break up. She wants to ask him, not to re-open any old wounds or anything, but simply because Ted's got her feeling vulnerable and she's been thinkig about it for a while.

Barney's always so great when she feels vulnerable. Almost always.

But Robin can't quite bring herself to vocalise the question. Maybe it's better if she doesn't. Either he'll say he misses her and she'll feel pressured because they had sex recently, or he'll say that he hasn't and she'll feel disposable.

When she goes quiet, he leans in as though to kiss her, but stops just short, his lips hovering barely an inch from hers. Then he pulls away, offers to make her a drink, and Robin gets up to leave.

She has to leave - before she sleeps with him out of sheer confusion.

**7. Halloween Parade** (Canning Randy)

Two days later, upon leaving work, Robin finds Barney waiting for her and leaning nonchalantly against a yellow cab.

"Hey, Barney," she says, a little confused, but more than glad to see him. "What're you doing here?"

"Caught today's show," he replies. "You looked like you needed a Bro."

Well yes, she does. "Hey, you actually watched my show?" She asks, knowing he does, but usually he TiVos it.

"I pulled an all-nighter," he grins, holding open the door of the cab for her. "You wanna go get a steak?"

"For breakfast?" She laughs. "Hell yeah!"

They slide into the back of the cab and her hip bumps against his. She's suddenly very aware of him. She was expecting him to smell of booze and cheap perfume, expecting to see a smudge of lipstick on his collar, but instead there's just a hint of spicy musk and cigarette smoke. It's kind of yummy actually.

"So, what's up?" He asks her, oblivious. "You and Becky were sparky today. Not that I'm complaining because your boobs jiggle when you get irritated. But I'm guessing she's done something to piss you off?"

Robin shrugs. Maybe she doesn't need a Bro right now. Maybe she needs something else from him. But they're done with the relapse thing, haven't they? Three times was enough. Still, she leans into him and lets his warmth envelop her. "She's done a commercial," she admits, feeling a little defeated.

"Oh-ho-ho! That thing with the boats?" He lets out a hooting, mocking laugh. "Seriously, that's what you're worried about? She's a bimbo. Since when have you been threatened by bimbos?"

"I don't know," she huffs, irritably. "I just feel like I'm Liz Lemon, you know?"

"What – hot, looks awesome in glasses?"

She pokes him in the arm. "Nope. Brilliant and under-appreciated."

He snatches up her finger in his hand, and holds her gaze for a beat. "You're appreciated. I appreciate you." Then he slides his other hand under the hem of her skirt, the tips of his fingers brushing over her inner thigh.

She's missed his clever, dextrous fingers so she doesn't stop him. Raising one eyebrow, she spreads her legs a little, giving him easier access, and he takes the hint, pushing aside the lace scrap of her panties with his thumb.

"So do a commercial too," he says, his voice a little rough. "Who cares about integrity? Take the money and run, that's my motto."

Biting her lower lip, Robin stifles a moan, thankful for the growl of the engine and the low grind of tyres on asphalt.

Five minutes later, she's so ready for that steak. And she feels a whole lot better.

**8. Don't tell** (Natural History)

They leave the museum early and go back to her place.

Robin just holds him. They don't speak, but they lay on her bed, fully clothed, his head resting on the crook of her arm, their bodies pressed together.

She doesn't know what she expected from tonight but it wasn't this.

It's weird, because when he groped her at the museum, it freaked her out a little, like he was getting too comfortable with her, and someone they knew might see them. That worried her way more than getting caught touching the exhibits.

Still, she'd drawn the line and he'd accepted it. They'd had fun.

And then Barney had found out about his Dad. His real Dad. Not some fantasy about Bob Barker or James's father but his real, honest-to-goodness Dad. God, what must Barney be going through? Robin aches inside for him. But she respects his pride too much to pester him. She actually even feels a little pleased that he's asked her to keep this a secret. She likes having something special between them again.

And maybe that should worry her more than him squeezing her ass in public.

After an hour or so, she thinks he must be asleep, but when she tries to pull away his fingers clutch at her dress. Looking up at her, she can see that his eyes are a little red.

What must he be thinking? Maybe that it might be his fault that his Dad left him? But, damn-it, he was just a little kid. She's seen a couple of photos of Barney as a child and he was a cutie, with a mop of curly blond hair and those wide, blue eyes. What bastard could abandon a kid like that?

Maybe the same kind of bastard that could tell his daughter that he always wanted a son, and make her feel like she could never be good enough.

Barney blinks once, leans forward, and kisses her.

It startles her. They haven't kissed since they broke up and Barney never does anything by halves. His tongue slides confidently between her lips, flicking over her teeth, and she gets that tingle. The tingle she never got with Max.

It's still just a relapse, she tells herself. Or comfort sex. Yeah, let's go with comfort sex.


	3. Chapter 3

**9. Sparkle** (Glitter)

"Don't," Robin says softly, as she feels his mouth press into the underside of her breast.

"Don't what?" He asks.

She tries to push him away. "Jesus, dude. Put it away. My face is sore. Damn stubble rash."

He laughs. "I'll stay away from your face."

"My wrists are sore!"

"Well," he says, rearing up on his forearms, "if you will always insist on being on top!"

She grins, exhausted; boneless. But she can feel him stir against her inner thigh and she wonders if he can coax another round out of her.

"I swear, if you are fantasising about me and Jessica right now, I'll-"

He snorts, wriggling down her body. "Please! You think I'm that limited?" Robin waits for the punch line and can't help but giggle when he mumbles, "Lily's in there too now. You guys work surprisingly well together."

Robin swats him on the top of the head, but he begins to blow raspberries into her pubic bone and she'd swear he's humming "Two beavers are better than one" but in a few seconds she doesn't care because his lips move lower and his tongue flicks out in a way that makes her spine arch off the bed.

"Jeez!" She bites off a gasp. She'll never admit it but she loves how enthusiastic he is about her chequered past.

"You know," he says, pulling away even as the pads of her fingers press into the back of his skull, willing him back down. "You did good today. Making up with Jessica, and Lily… forgiveness is a wonderful thing."

"Whatever," Robin grumbles, a little embarrassed.

"Now, if you'll just forgive Katie for giving me the Space Teens DVD in the first place…" He grins wickedly and his head bobs back down again.

"Yeah, that's the stuff," Robin sighs. Then her eyes fly open. "Wait – Katie what?"

**10. Wang** (Blitzgiving)

It's probably not a good thing to be quite so into some guy just because of his cock, right?

But Robin reviews her scoresheet as she waits in an unfamiliar bar for a man she's never met – although she's already seen intimate parts of him. Hmm, let's see – there was Max, and he certainly had nothing to write home about in the genitalia department. There have been a few more guys since him, and none of them have got further than the blue line due to the fact that she's been able to use Barney as a crutch for the last few months.

And yeah, then there's Barney.

Barney, the horn dog, who's apparently been hooking up with the girl who cuts his hair and never told any of them about it. That burns her a little. Not that she cares, because he was being super-annoying the whole of American Thanksgiving, but she'd have thought he's at least have had the guts to be honest about any bimbo he's been sleeping with. It's a mistake to get too comfortable with Barney Stinson, she tells herself, or to lower your guard for too long.

But it's okay because she's now got Wang Guy (and she's really got to stop calling him that and start calling him Josh). And Wang Guy- _Josh_ seems funny and smart and definitely has the equipment to give her what she needs.

Robin does a double-take when Josh enters the bar and she gets to her feet. He's tall – and she likes her men tall tall – well muscled, nice to look at but not so pretty as she'll feel outclassed. He's blonde, which disturbs her for reasons she can't name and when he opens his mouth he's got this seductive southern drawl.

Yep, she'd definitely hit that. She has a drink with him, their fingers touch when he passes her glass, and she waits for the tingle. She waits for that frisson that tells her he's a guy she wants to spend more than one night with.

And she waits.

Damn it, she thinks, where's the tingle? She needs the tingle. Just a little one.

Later, in bed, the sex is okay. The sex is perfectly serviceable. She even texts Lily later and tells her so.

"That bad, huh?" Lily texts back. Then a moment later, she gets another message. "Marshall says let him down easy."

Robin tuts as she dresses, but slips quietly out of his apartment before he gets out of the shower.

**11. Manatee** (The Mermaid Theory)

"Why doesn't Marshall find me attractive?" Robin huffs, staring into the bottom of her empty glass of wine.

"Do you want to bone Marshall?" Barney shoots back at her, grinning. "Wow. This is huge!"

"Idiot," Robin shakes her head. She's irritable tonight. Another show with Becky to look forward to and that's not exactly doing her mood any good. "No, of course not. It's just not exactly flattering my ego that he's always stressing how unattractive I am! Jeez!"

"Well it would be a lot worse if he kept drooling over you. He's your best friend's husband. C'mon!" Barney laughs, picking at the bowl of peanuts on the table between them. "Sex with friends never works out, you know that."

She scowls at her empty glass, willing Wendy to come over to their table and get her a refill. "Yeah right. Look at us. I think I'm drunk." Drunk two nights in a row? That's not good.

"Don't you have to work?" He asks her, and she's not sure through her alcohol-sodden senses, but there's a strange tone to his voice.

"Yeah, and guess who's the mermaid there?" Becky, of course. Becky with her mermaid hair and her mermaid smile. "I just never thought I'd be the dowdy one on that show."

Barney lets out a bark of laughter. "Seriously? Stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. If you hate it there, you should do something about it. Get another job! I can help."

"But you got me this job," Robin whines. "What kind of empowered, independent woman am I if I keep relying on men to help me? And anyway, shouldn't you be trying to take advantage of my vulnerable state right now?" And why isn't he? They haven't had sex in a few weeks. Is she repulsive to him too now?

Barney's mouth opens and closes a few times and then he carefully places his tumbler down on the table, gets to his feet and says in a low, guarded tone, "Piece of advice, babe. There's a guy at the end of the bar who's been eyeing you for the last hour. If you wanna screw some dude over, why don't you go do it to him?"

And with that, he walks out, leaving Robin glaring into her wine glass, her cheeks aflame. When Wendy finally makes it over to the booth, Robin orders water.

**12. Pretty sure we're okay** (False Positive)

It's dark outside MacLaren's. The sky is inky blue, decorated with smudges of reflected light from the full moon.

"Do you think we're growing up?" Robin asks Barney, taking a cigarette from him.

"What?" He says with a harsh laugh. "Because you didn't want to be a coin flip bimbo?"

"I did actually. Want to be a coin flip bimbo."

He looks taken aback at that but doesn't say anything, merely taking drag on his smoke and holding the air in his lungs for a moment before expelling it.

"What, so it's not okay to want the easy life for a change?" She says, exasperated. "Why should I be the only one who struggles when other girls just get it handed to them on a platter."

He smirks, which annoys her even more. They haven't really talked. Not since that night she got drunk at MacLaren's.

"In case you haven't noticed, my life has kind of sucked this year," she mumbles. It's December – a time for reflection and all that crap.

"In case you haven't noticed, you just took the first step to your dream job. You think I didn't start at the bottom at Altrucell? You just have to show them what you can do. Don't tell them, show them."

She does a double-take. "Wow, that's actually pretty good advice, Barney."

He shrugs, looking down at his shoes, and it makes her feel like she should say something to him, maybe hold out the olive branch. But she never was good at pretty speeches. Not like him.

She drops her cigarette to the floor and it sizzles on the sidewalk, then she snatches his out of his hand. He manages a "Hey-" before she palms his face and kisses him. It's a swift kiss, but it's deep and certain.

"Thank you," she says.

He raises a questioning eyebrow. "For what?"

"Everything."

And then he leans in and she feels his hand move to her breast and his thumb brush hard across her nipple and before she knows it, she's tingling from her scalp to her toes.


	4. Chapter 4

**13. Tag (Bad News)**

Barney collapses dramatically into the booth opposite Robin, his arms flailing out. "Will no one play laser tag with me!" He decries loudly.

Robin rolls her eyes. "Hey, right here! We do this twice a year and this time you never even asked me?"

In an instant, Barney sits up poker-straight and grins hopefully. "Wow, really? You'll be still be my partner."

Robin just stares at him. "I was your third choice behind Ted and Marshall? Marshall? Really, that's just insulting. What gives?"

He shakes his head. "No, it's just since we started banging again, I just thought you'd be way too distracting. When you run, your boobs jiggle in the-"

Robin grins and leans back in her seat and crosses her arms. "Dude, what are you, fourteen? It's not like it's strip laser tag or anything."

She sees the light bulb go on in his eyes and groans. "Oh crap…"

#~-

Later, she's down to her bra, panties and stockings. He's in his boxers, plus one sock and his tie still knotted around his throat. She wonders how in the hell he managed to book out the whole laser tag arena in such short notice. But he's promised her that no else one is here, not even the staff. He paid the pimply teenager fifty bucks not to watch the monitors.

She creeps around in the darkness in stocking'd feet and stubs her toe, suppressing a yelp. He could be hiding anywhere, in any shadow between the neon daubs of paint that decorate the tower walls. He's probably up above her.

On instinct she crouches down and fires directly up, getting him good. The lights on his vest flash. She hears him curse and something soft drifts down out of the darkness to land on her face.

His tie. She's winning!

She stays right there, moving backwards a fraction into her alcove, in the hope that the lights from her vest won't be noticeable from his perch. Heart thumping in her chest, she tries not to breathe too loudly, even though the disco beat of the music over the PA would surely hide any sound she might make.

Even so, he creeps up on her and before she knows it his body is pressing her against the alcove and his hungry lips meet hers. There's a bleep, as his gun sight finds her vest.

"Bra, please!" He requests and she can hear the grin in his voice. "C'mon Scherbatsky. Do it for me?"

He's probably making puppy dog eyes right now, but she can't see him. Still, she reaches back and unhooks her bra, letting it fall to the floor, and she feels his hot mouth attack her cool skin, his fingers fondle and kneed the swell of each breast.

Then she feels something cool and wet trickling over her skin. She flinches and droplets splatter across her stomach. "What the hell-?" She yelps but then she smells it, the oak-metallic scent of scotch.

He laps enthusiastically at her skin and Robin can't help but throw her head back and laugh.

"Just how long have you wanted to do this?" She asks him, when her vest beeps again and he starts to pull down her panties.

"Since that first time we played. You know, when you had a thing for Ted? And every single time we've played since."

"Any other fantasies I should know about?" She asks, although her mind fogs a little when she feels more whiskey splash over her belly and thighs.

"Oh just… you know that Liz Lemon thing you've got going on for work?"

"Yeah, you said the glasses were hot," she laughs. Then she moans. Because what he's doing with his tongue should be illegal.

"Throw in the Robin Sparkles Bedazzled Jean Jacket (trademark pending) and I'd pretty much jizz in my pants."

He's disgusting, she thinks, as her fingers curl around her own gun and she slams it into his vest, point blank. But hey, he has given her a great idea.

**14. Endings (Last Words)**

Barney's been strangely quiet since the funeral. Marshall and Lily curl up together on the sofa and she and Ted talk to Marshall's brother in quiet tones. When Robin notices that Barney's left the room, she assumes he's gone for a smoke and decides to go investigate.

Only he's not outside. He's sat half-way up the staircase, angular and bent over, like that little frog from the Muppets. The tips of his fingers are pressed together and his elbows rest on his knees. "Hey?" She calls up to him, and he gets to his feet with a sigh, like he's irritated at being disturbed. Robin finds her cheeks flushing, suddenly both embarrassed and annoyed at the same time. She only came to see how he was, and now she feels like an intruder.

But he doesn't say anything, only looks at her with an intent expression, and she's a little mesmerised until she feels his hand slip into hers, feels the warmth of his palm pressed against hers. He pulls her forward, tugging her gently, wordlessly, towards the empty dining room. They open one door and slip through, closing it behind them.

Then they stand there, in the evening shadows, face-to-face, in silence, and at all Robin can hear is him breathing. All she can feel is his heartbeat where his chest is pressed against hers. This is one of those nexus moments, she somehow senses, like Ted's always talking about. One of those moments when you're supposed to stop and take a deep breath and talk to each other. But she's never been great at drawing him out of himself. She's seen so much of his private side, so much of him that he lets nobody else see. But sometimes, like right now, she can't find even a chink in his armour.

So her lips press into his and her body forces his back against the wall. At first she loses herself in his physicality, in his hands all over her body, cupping her ass, running smoothly over her breast, and time ceases to have any meaning. But then she opens her eyes and she sees a glimpse of the pain in him and she wrenches herself away. He's confused at first, until she sinks down onto her knees, dragging down his fly as she does so. She expects a smirk, a single raised eyebrow, but if anything he looks more lost, more remote.

Well, no problem. She knows the way to bring him back to her, and she doesn't need anything special from her Mary Poppins purse to do it. Smiling seductively, she slowly unbuckles his belt, pops the top button on his fly and lets his pants slide a few inches over his hips. Then she begins to explore him, mouthing the hard column of him through the silk of his boxers, her fingers seeking out every pressure point, every spot that will make him moan. When she peels away the damp silk, he's so hot and hard, that he jerks and pulses against her lips.

She stiffens her tongue then, running it slowly over the sensitive head of his erection so that he makes that growling, needy noise in the back of his throat. Then she licks her lips and, making eye contact once more, and lets him slip into her mouth.

He tenses. She feels the muscles in his thighs under her fingers and she begins to suck, but he can't take his eyes off her. He seems caught up in her, in watching her do this. That's good. That's better than just being lost, being hurt. She can do this for him. She can be a different kind of vice girl.

In a sudden burst of insight, she wonders what today must have been like for him, a guy who's never known his father, seeing everybody mourn his friend's. How much must he have needed some time alone to wrestle with these unfamiliar emotions, time away from the spotlight, from the need to entertain everybody and act the clown?

As Robin brings both her hands into play, teasing him until he grits his teeth, lips drawing back as he fights to keep control, she just wishes things were different.

And then he comes, and everything is still, and perfect. He gushes into her mouth and she knows she's given him a moment of peace, that moment he chases again and again.

But as she pulls back, dabbing her lips and straightening her dress, she looks up at him, only to see his walls go right back up again. He pouts, like a child who's confused and angry and doesn't know how to process what he's feeling. And that hurts her, more than she would have believed was possible.

**15. Delusions (Oh Honey)**

Robin Scherbatsky is not a woman who lies to herself. When she realizes that she's developing feelings for Barney, she goes and sits alone in her room and gives herself a serious talking to. Then she goes to see Zoey.

"Look, I've been there, done this," she says, exasperated. "This cannot happen again. We were terrible for each other. We're too similar! We bring out the very worst in each other."

"Maybe I'm not the one you should be talking to, Robin?" Zoey asks, handing her a large glass of red wine.

Zoey and The Captain's place is nice, real nice, but Robin's never felt entirely comfortable there. And weirdly, she gets the vibe that Zoey isn't either, which is why Zoey hangs around with the gang so much.

"I can't talk to Lily," Robin shakes her head. "She got way too invested in me and Barney last time. God knows what she'd do if I even hinted at this."

"I didn't mean Lily," Zoey says, giving her a look. "I meant Barney."

Robin doesn't answer right away. She just stares into her glass, remembering Barney's distant expression on the day of Marshall's Dad's funeral, and remembering how she couldn't reach out to him in any meaningful way, not even physically. Physically always worked for them before - always.

"I can't talk to him," Robin finally replies. Her voice sounds a little flat, but determined. "These feelings, I've just got to shut them down. Barney's my friend, and I can't lose that friendship."

"Do you think it's possible to shut them down?" Zoey asks thoughtfully. "I mean, if you heart just does that swoop when you think about him? How can you control that?"

Robin shakes her head. Does her heart swoop when she thinks about Barney? Maybe a little. Maybe when she thinks about having sex with him, when she thinks about how he makes her tingle. But they're just not compatible emotionally. If she's honest with herself, things have been weird between them ever since they broke up. Maybe she hasn't ever really forgiven him. She fell for Don so quickly, and she never took the time to really get over Barney.

"I can control it," Robin says firmly. "Not everybody can, but I can. I've done it before." And she realizes that she's right. It's what she did when she first fell in love with Ted. It's what she did the whole summer she first got together with Barney. She's good at this. She's analytical. Now she knows what's going on, she can totally do this. "Look, Zoey. I have a brain. I don't have to be controlled by my hormones every time I see a boy."

"No matter how pretty that boy is?" Zoey asks wistfully.

"Oh my god!" Robin exclaims. "Please don't tell me that Barney's got to you too?"

"Barney?" Zoey laughs. "God no. No! Ew. No, not Barney."

Robin chuckles at the outrage in Zoey's voice and moves on. "Besides, you've got it all. Great husband, amazing apartment, able to pursue the passions that drive you. Jeez, you're lucky."

"Yeah," Zoey says with a tight smile. "But you can't buy happiness."

"What makes you think I'm not happy?" Robin says, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"Do you think he is?" Zoey asks, taking a sip of her wine.

"Barney? Probably not. But I'm not the one who's gonna change that. At least I know that now." And she swirls the wine around in her glass, letting it lap against the sides.

And she promises herself that if she even feels a hint of her stomach swooping in the future, she'll just shut it down.

**16. Valentine (Desperation Day)**

Robin takes a sip from her Venti cappuccino and peers over her cup at Nora. The thing that's right at the forefront of her mind right now is Zoey, and how she threw her cousin in Ted's path because she couldn't have Ted herself.

Okay, look how that worked out. But the strategy is sound.

Watching Nora flipping through archive folders, researching a story, Robin feels more than usually pensive. What is it about this girl that draws Barney in? Is it the accent? The romantic ideas?

You'd be a fool not to notice that Barney's attraction to her runs deeper that it normally does to anything with boobs and a pretty smile.

Let's review the evidence.

Nora blew him off, and yet he came straight back and talked to her again – not to sleep with her, or for some stupid challenge, but to try and get her to admit she was wrong about herself. Robin's only seen Barney do that with one other person – Ted.

Also, Barney had a perfectly willing Bimbo all lined up and ready to go, yet he hardly even looked at her for the rest of the evening once he'd found Nora.

And now Robin has to spend an entire evening with Barney – on Valentine's Day of all days – playing laser tag. Last time they played laser tag, she came home sore and sticky and stinking of scotch.

And finally, because Robin's already decided that their little booty-call arrangement has come to an end, where exactly does that leave them? Her forced to watch him in a string of soulless hookups, enabling his worst excesses, possibly even backsliding again when she gets bored and horny.

Nope, not if Barney's in a real, honest-to-god relationship.

Robin rises to her feet, her spine clicking. Take away the temptation of sex with Barney and maybe she can get on with her life, find somebody who's good for her in the way she knows that she knows Nora can be good for Barney. She's doing a good thing here. It's about time they both started acting like grown-ups.

"Hey Nora...?"


	5. Chapter 5

**17. Frustration (Garbage Island) **

Ted keeps furtively looking over his shoulder and it's kind of annoying.

"Hey, will you stop doing that?" Robin snaps at him after about the seventh time. "Seriously, the Captain's not going to come looking for you."

"Right," Ted says. "But even if he does, you'll kick his ass, right?"

Robin shakes her head. "Seriously, what is it with the guys in my life lately? You've all turned into complete wusses. Marshall's becoming a big old hippie. Barney can't even be around a girl he likes without regressing into childhood. And you…?"

Scowling, Ted gets off the couch and grumbles his way over to the kitchen.

"Sorry, didn't catch that!" Robin says with a fixed grin. But really, she's just frustrated. She's frustrated that everybody is moving on but her. And she's certainly frustrated that Barney thought it was eighteen weeks since she'd had sex with anybody other than him. Really? That's just insulting. What about Wang Guy- Josh?

But most of all she's frustrated that she can no longer take her frustrations out _on_ Barney, which is why she heads out of the apartment and down out on to the street for some fresh air and maybe to sneak a smoke away from Ted's judgemental gaze. That's where she bumps into Wendy the waitress, who's staring into space, smiling and starry-eyed.

"So who is he?" Robin asks, and jeez, she sounds just like Lily with her love-radar. Sadly, Wendy doesn't even try to lie.

"His name is Meeker, and he's wonderful," she coos.

It's sad that those words make Robin's heart sink a little, because everybody is in that first flush of a relationship right now, that gorgeous getting-to-know-you phase. Ted's with Zoey. Wendy's with Meeker. Hell, even Barney's out with Nora.

"Don't worry, Robin. You'll find someone soon," Wendy says kindly, one hand resting on Robin's shoulder.

Robin shrugs it off and offers Wendy a cigarette. "I don't want to find someone. I just want to get my freak on."

Wendy laughs, like Robin's making a joke. But all Robin can do is grimace.

******18. Heart Monitor (Change of Heart)**

Scooby happens for a lot of reasons. Initially, she likes him because he's Canadian, and sweet, and funny. And young! God, how awesome does it feel to be with somebody so young again, so un-cynical, so unspoiled? He's everything her friends and her professional colleagues aren't. But that fondness soon turns into annoyance and she's almost at the point of dumping him when he gets hit with a glancing blow from a station wagon. And Robin could never resist a hot guy with bruises.

But jeez, he's terrible at sex. He makes love the same way he does everything else – like a dog. Now the others have pointed it out to her, she can't unsee it.

Oh, he's enthusiastic enough, around the winces and yelps where she inadvertently touches some sprained muscle. But when he rolls her over on to her front and slobbers a trail of kisses/licks down her spine, Robin can't help but collapse in a fit of giggles.

Doggy style? Really? No matter how desperate she is for sex, she just can't go through with it. And he's concussed enough, or just plain dumb enough, not to protest.

So she takes him home, puts him to bed and heads back to the bar for a scotch or three. She just wants to kick back with her nightcap when Barney marches in. Stupid Barney and his stupid lies.

_Poor Nora. _

Barney avoids her at first. Maybe it's guilt? He knows how much faith Robin's put into him to the point of practically forcing him and Nora together in the first place. But the longer she sits there and he doesn't make any effort to come over and talk with her, the more irritated she gets.

He's so screwed up, and she's so angry, and that's a bad combination. So she knocks back her drink and she gets to her feet, smoothing down her blouse. On the way out she pauses as she passes him. She leans into him and he doesn't turn, but she can see his knuckles whiten where he's gripping his glass of scotch.

Quietly, under her breath, she says, "Barney, unless you can come to terms with your past and open up to someone, you'll never get a girl to love you".

His shoulders tense and she feels a stab of guilt. But damn it, somebody needs to tell him these things. Somebody needs to help him. They can't all keep enabling him or he'll end up alone and miserable.

And even so, even though Robin absolutely believes she's right, she doesn't find it easy to get to sleep that night.

**19. Connection (Legendaddy)**

Robin's never been great at being there for people in need. She's never been good at handling tears and vulnerability. She never knows what to do. When do you hug somebody? When do you just offer a kind word? She doesn't even have the vocabulary. She's not like Ted or Lily.

Her heart breaks for Barney and all she can do is just stands there like a useless lump.

And the irony is, she knows exactly how Barney feels. Robin can empathise perfectly with what he's going through, more so than any of the others even, and yet she's powerless to help him. She can see it all, there in his eyes. She can see everything she's been through with her own Dad, reflected there. She knows it all so well, that sense of loss and anger that never, ever really goes away.

When Barney first found out about Jerry, back at that GNB shindig at the Natural History Museum, Robin could have helped him out. And at Marshall's Dad's funeral, when she'd been the only one who knew how much Barney was hurting, then she'd had a second chance to get it right. But the only way Robin knows how to help anybody is with physical comfort – that classic Scherbatsky/Stinson play. And right now, that option is unthinkable.

Barney just broke up with Nora. Robin's still angry with him about that.

But she feels kind of mixed up inside – frustrated and unhappy and a little worried in a way she can't seem to shake. When they get back from White Plains, Ted heads out to see Zoey and Robin takes a shower.

The great thing about Ted's shower is the high water pressure. It pounds at your skin, almost scourging it, making you feel amazingly clean. Robin tilts her face into the spray and then steps back, grabbing the hose and unhooking it from the wall. There's a twist-control on the top that intensifies the spray even further.

With a wry smile, she guides it between her legs.

Her go-to fantasy in this situation - the thing she thinks about as the water gushes and pulses and makes her grit her teeth – is this guy she met a while back. He was just some guy - a marine biologist, incredible in the sack, sweet, intelligent, good to her. She'd screwed up the relationship in just a few weeks, but he'd left her with some great memories. And really, that's what she needs right now, jerking off in the shower. Something uncomplicated and sensual and without baggage.

Eyes squeezed shut, she pictures him, his lively tongue between her legs, his fingers squeezing her thighs, pushing her legs apart. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. It's perfect, he's perfect, his tongue rasps across her clit, draging down and up, faster and faster and around, and dipping inside her core. Within minutes she's coming, hard and fast and noisily. She almost slips and loses her footing and her heart thuds, adrenalin courses through her veins and warms her right through.

She opens her eyes, and in the flash between memory and reality she almost sees something else, a different fantasy, a different man.

…blue eyes, a quirky, knowing smile.

And suddenly Robin's on the verge of tears and she has no idea why.

**20. Support (Exploding meatball sub)****  
**  
"What is wrong with you?" Robin says with a mixture of disgust and exasperation.

"What do you mean?" Barney shoots right back. "That was an awesome plan. Oh, you think I should have gone with the poison?"

Robin just stares at him.

He stares back.

Eventually it's him that breaks first. "Look, it's the truth." He clumsily crosses his heart. "I swear."

"Yes," she says patiently. "I can well imagine you'd do something that lame to deflect from the fact that you don't want your friend to leave GNB and you'll miss him."

Barney opens and closes his mouth a few times but doesn't say anything.

Robin decides to try a different approach. "You keep telling us about this shrink you see once a week. Can't you talk to him at least? I mean, when you're are actually throwing stuff around, doesn't that tell you something?"

His expression twists and he looks away, like he can't meet her eyes, like there's something else there that she's not getting. For the first time in a very long time Robin gets a chill down her spine.

"I'm not trying to back you into a corner here," she says, trying to reassure him. "I'm just worried about you. You're drinking way too much. And really - you're hiring hookers? You're paying for it now?" She shakes her head. "Seriously, what do you need? Anything, just ask, man!"

He opens his mouth to say something, raising a finger.

"Not sex," she stops him.

"Narks," he grumbles.

"Anything but that," Robin leans back in the booth and tries to smile. "You don't want to talk about your Dad? I get that. But you can't go through life trying to blow people up with subs and trashing your office."

She tries to read him, but he's scowling again.

"I care about you," she says.

Somehow that makes it worse. She wishes she had that telepathy thing that Lily, Marshall and Ted seem to have. She wishes she knew what was going on in his head.

"You're never going to tell me, are you? Or even admit to it." Robin is surprised to realize that she's said those words out loud.

"It's just hard," he says, in his real-Barney voice.

"I know." She reaches across the table again and laces her fingers through his. "And I'm here if you need me."

He gives her a half-hearted smile and shrugs.

"Whenever you're ready," Robin continues, then she chuckles bitterly. "I guess you can talk to Lily."

He frowns and narrows his eyes. "Don't say that."

"Oh come on!" Robin huffs. "You always talk to Lily. I've seen you talk to Lily. Why can't you talk to me?"

He gives her a weak smile. "Lily makes me talk. She's a terror for such a tiny chick."

"So talk to her," Robin tries not to sound petulant.

"I can't," he says. "Not about this. I'm okay now. It'll be okay, Robin, honestly."

Robin feels something shimmer in the air, something intangible. Is this a third chance, maybe? Another opportunity to help him, to push him, to make him talk like Lily does.

She feels it slip through her fingers.

"Okay," she says, giving in.

And he orders another drink.


	6. Chapter 6

**21. Crush (Hopeless)**

Robin's been thinking a lot about perfection, and she's conscious of the weight of that word, of the pressure of it. Seeing that guy again, her Crush, it's brought back memories that she's buried for a long time. She remembers how Ted used to look at her, with stars in his eyes, like she could do no wrong.

She remembers how that used to get to her, how it slowly destroyed them. She could never live up to that, could never really be the person he saw.

And she remembers Crush Guy, how he'd seemed so flawless, so funny, so handsome and so tall, and how she'd fantasized that he had this super-cool job, like a flighter pilot or a surgeon - one of those professions that Barney appropriates in his little games to pick up dumb women, but for real this time. She wonders if that means she's hopeful, or just gullible? It's been a long time since she's felt in any way naïve and right now she's kind of enjoying it. It's refreshing. In fact, she'd almost rather not know what Crush Guy does or what he's really like. She'd almost rather not know any of his flaws because, right now in her mind, he's perfect.

Nobody could ever live up to that kind of pressure.

She's watching the ice cubes slowly dissolve into her scotch when Barney comes into the bar. His eyes glitter, his suit is crumpled, he looks about as far from perfection as it's possible to get.

Still conscious that she's not been a great friend to him lately, Robin drags him away from the bar and into the booth. "What happened to you and Jerry last night? I'm guessing an all-night strip club?" She tries to keep it light but his expression crumples and he picks irritably at a paper napkin, not meeting her eye.

She doesn't really know what to say. As the silence stretches out between them, she wonders how bad it could have possibly got last night. Knowing Barney, knowing Jerry… bad.

So what he says next surprises her.

"We went fishing," he says with a grimace. "As if that makes anything better. As if he gets to do that - to just suddenly be my Dad and take me fishing. He's not my Dad. I don't even know him!" He covers his face with one hand, like he's embarrassed by his outburst. "It was lame anyways. Fishing is lame. Only kids and old dudes like fishing."

It's the most he's ever admitted to her about how he really feels about Jerry and he's not even drunk. At least, Robin doesn't think he's drunk. He looks exhausted though, like he hasn't slept.

"Maybe next time he'll take you hunting?" She says with a smile. "At least you get to shoot shit up."

He smirks. "Yeah, cuz watching Jerry gut a fish with a hangover?" He gags. "Not recommended."

Robin laughs. "You wanna try a baby deer."

He groans. "Canadians! I need a drink."

She pushes her own across the table and he lifts the tumbler to his lips, pauses, grimaces, and then places it back down on the table.

"Can still smell the fish. Can't sully a good scotch with that." He sighs deeply. "Anyways, maybe I just need to get some sleep," That's not like him. He looks so… defeated.

"Crash upstairs if you like?" Robin offers.

"Only if you come with," Barney says glibly, then he adds. "I mean, no funny business. I just want to bitch some more about terrible Dads. Figured that's a subject we can both get our teeth into."

He gets to his feet and takes her hand. It makes her feel funny – a little giddy and light-hearted. But it's a relief from all the sudden introspection she's been plagued with. Robin wonders if this is what Lily feels like all the time? If it makes everything better just because Marshall touches her. And as they make their way up the stairwell he turns and asks her – "Hey, you don't happen to have a teddy bear do you?"

She gives him an odd look. "Is this a sex thing?"

And he laughs and shakes his head. "Never mind."

**22. Angry Birds (The Perfect Cocktail)****  
**  
Robin's first instinct is to take Barney's side. In fact, her second and third instinct is also to take his side. Her fourth instinct screams at her to go get her hockey stick and beat Marshall over the head until he stops being a jerk. It's only her fifth instinct that stops her.

Is it really Marshall's fault?

Yes.

But, he's just lost his Dad, and she can totally see how Marshall's been pulled into Zoey's web here, how seductive her ideas must seem to him right now. It's understandable.

Except no. No it isn't.

And Marshall needs direction, but does that have to mean he betrays Barney of all people?

No. So very much no.

Robin's guts roil at the thought. Maybe if she and Lily can get their guys talking-

Their guys?

When did she start thinking of Barney as her guy? When did she start acting like she's still his girlfriend? It seems to have happened so gradually over the last couple of weeks. They've been hanging around so much, having these long, rambling conversations, sometimes talking all night. He's shared so much of his hopes and dreams and fears – more than he ever did when they were together.

And this makes Robin pause. Jesus, where does she draw the line? She feels like she owes Barney, but when does that bleed into more than just simple friendship? She questions her own motives – does she really want Barney, or is she just lonely? Does she just need to date someone else?

But then she sees Barney, so angry, so full of rage, and she feels responsible, like she needs to fix this thing between him and Marshall.

She owes him. She's failed him as a friend for too long.

And that's all it is.

**23. So Bad (Landmarks)****  
**  
It wasn't supposed to go down like this. Not again.

Robin isn't supposed to be lying in Barney's bed, all tangled up in Barney's legs and arms and nakedness. She isn't supposed to be panting, gasping for breath as the heat blossoms through her body in the afterglow of the best sex she's had in forever.

She isn't supposed to feel this swoop of déjà vu.

He's smiling and god she wants him to smile more. She wants to protect him and shout and scream at everybody because Ted's just about broke his heart and Marshall's so wrapped up in his own hang-ups that he can't see how much damage he's done. Just like after Ted dumped Barney that time, it's left to Robin to pick up the pieces.

And god, look how that ended. She traces a finger across Barney's hip, across the feint white scars, and she remembers how it felt to almost lose him then.

To lose him now? Unthinkable.

"Mmm, that was awesomazing," he says stretching out, cat-like, beneath her touch.

"This is becoming a thing," Robin finds herself saying. "We need to be careful. We keep relapsing like this as we may as well be dating again."

His brow creases into a frown.

"Would it be so bad?" She asks, tentatively. And god, she can't believe she's being this brave – she so rarely dips her toe in the water like this, so rarely really puts herself out there. She didn't even know she was considering this until she actually says it.

And he just lies there, in silence. Staring at the ceiling. After a little while, after long minutes that stretch out like hours with Robin's fingers digging into the mattress and her mind racing and her cheeks burning he says, "Maybe. We should think about it."

She's surprised. But later, when he tells her that he might just lose his job, she wonders if he's just clinging to her like she's clinging to him. She wonders how much of this is wishful thinking and how much is real.

And she wonders how they are supposed to know the difference?

**24. The Wrong Girl (Challenge Accepted)****  
**  
It's okay, Robin tries to tell herself. It's okay, because look at Nora, she's even wearing a sundress. Look at her and her four languages and her cute accent and her shiny hair and her laser tag skills.

She's perfect for Barney. Nora's just perfect. She's sweet and she knows what she wants and she can stand up to him.

Robin's never really known what she wants. And where Barney's concerned, she's a bundle of conflicting emotions and concerns.

(Except that he loved her once, he really did love her, and knowing that for sure makes her so stupidly glowy inside).

So after a whole summer of agonising about him and not talking about it and having almost-getting-back-together sex, they've finally come to some sort of conclusion.

It really is over between them. There's no going back.

And Robin should be happy for Barney, really she should. Because when you look at Nora, any girl might feel a little jealous. That's natural, right? And it was as much Robin's decision not to get back together as it was Barney's; more so, if anything. God, she practically pushed him into Nora's arms again. But it's weird – with Nora, Robin can suddenly see Barney – a guy who tries a little too hard, and loves a little too deeply – and she remembers why he's always been her favourite. Maybe this relationship will work out for him, even though she still can't exactly see him standing in a tuxedo in a lil' white church, and she knows Nora would want that.

And now the train has left the station and Barney's going to take Nora out for coffee which means that soon he'll be having sex with Nora, dating Nora, defining their relationship.

And suddenly Robin knows with absolute and total clarity that she's in love with him, faults, flaws and catchphrases galore. Suddenly she sees herself for the cliché that she is.

Why couldn't she just say it all out loud? She's had a whole summer to say it! Why couldn't she tell him it's okay to try again, that new isn't always better?

Why couldn't she tell him that he's perfect for her?

Is it really too late?


End file.
